Director:Â Chris Columbus
Cast: Adam Sandler,  Kevin James,  Michelle Monaghan,  Peter Dinklage,  Ashley Benson,  Sean Bean,  Jane Krakowski,  Josh Gad,  Brian Cox,  Chris Parnell
Rating: 12A
Running Time: 106 mins
Release Date: August 12th, 2015
I don’t often drink at the cinema, but when I do I’m probably watching an Adam Sandler movie. Just kidding – why would I go and see anything with Adam Sandler in it? Still, in the strange and fabulous life of a freelance film critic occasionally one is obliged to see things which one wouldn’t in any other circumstance. Last night I attended an advance screening of PIXELS at the Empire Leicester Square, and with my best friend in tow, a free bar and an impressive PIXELS themed reception complete with vintage arcade games and retro snacks, it was a pretty great evening out- the only dampener on the evening being, unfortunately, the film itself.
PIXELS begins in 1982 at the first annual gaming world championships where little Sam Brenner and Eddie ‘The Fire Blaster’ Plant are battling it out to be world number one Donkey Kong champion. Brenner loses and seems never to recover from the shock of it- 33 years later, Brenner (Sandler) has a modest job installing TVs and gaming consoles into people’s homes while his childhood friend Will Cooper (Kevin James) has become President of the United States.
Yes, you did read that right. In this film none other than Kevin James is President of the United States of America. Kevin James. I’ll just let that sink in for a second.
Recovered? OK.
Shortly after we’re introduced to Brenner and Cooper as adults a US military base is attacked by giant pixel cubes, all thanks to some furious aliens who have understood the footage contained within a 1982 Nasa time capsule to be a declaration of inter-galactic war. With giant Pacmans and savage Donkey Kong replicas wreaking havoc on Earth, the President calls on his old buddy Brenner to step in and save the day. So far, so ridiculous, but as premises for a movie plot go, I was on board with this one – it’s just wacky enough to stand a chance of being decent.
The opening sequence is masterfully done and sets up all key plot points effectively (if not always subtly; the host of the 1982 world championships has a good 60 second monologue in which he stresses- very clearly and very slowly- the significance of the fact that footage of the event will be part of a time capsule). It’s worth noting too that it was quite well-paced: by the time Sandler gears up in Ghostbuster garb to play the game that will ultimately decide the fate of the earth and the rest of humanity, I was very ready for him to take the reins- I supported him, even. Talk about a plot twist. Sandler has- to my mind at least- not done very much worth seeing, although I’m assured by several people that he has been funny in the past. The last thing I saw him in was Judd Apatow’s FUNNY PEOPLE (he was not funny, he was barely people) and I’ve managed to avoid him ever since. Yet somehow as a down on his luck underachiever in silly orange trousers, I found myself, if not warming to him, then certainly thawing.
So if this is what’s right with PIXELS- the premise, the pace and the leading man- what’s wrong with it? Well, pretty much everything else. I’ve touched on the casting catastrophe that is Kevin James as President already, but I feel it’s time to return. In a film in which giant sized replicas of beloved arcade game characters run around destroying the earth, how can it be that Kevin James as President is the most unbelievable part of this film? To add insult to injury, James’ President can’t really read; at best this is a garbled message that illiteracy shouldn’t stop you from chasing your dreams, at worst it’s a hideously transparent ploy from the writers to give the President a character quirk and make him relatable. Isn’t the point of a President that he’s not an everyman, he’s better? I can read, why can’t he? And how on earth did he con his way into this gig anyway? Worse still is the fact that his First Lady is played by Jane Krakowski– a woman so funny that I laugh-cried hysterically throughout Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, a woman so funny she has just been nominated for an Emmy for her work on that series. This funny, funny woman plays a blank, supporting character and gets approximately three completely useless lines- the cinematic equivalent of ordering the most expensive steak on the menu and throwing it on the floor once it arrives. Jane Krakowski has made me laugh more than Sandler ever has or ever will,  and yet she is reduced to the role of essentially mute President’s wife. Between her barely-talking and his barely-reading, I was barely watching any of their scenes.
I’d like to say here that the other strong female characters more than made up for the shameful under usage of Krakowski, but I can’t. Michelle Monaghan plays Sandler’s love interest (also a Government official, but mainly a love interest) and is nothing more than a trophy for Brenner to win at the end of it all. Having quite understandably rejected Sandler’s advances early on in the film, the writers then turn her into a controlling, uptight shrew for the rest of it- until they need a conclusion kiss that is. I like Monaghan and she does the best she can with what she’s given but, make no mistake, it’s really not much.
One thing I do find curious about PIXELS is the target audience- who exactly is it for? At first glance it’s obvious: men in their forties who remember Pacman et al and Adam Sandler when he was funny. Why then, would they choose to go for a 12A rating? Fewer jokes of the kind Sandler fans in their forties might find funny can be made, and the nostalgic eighties references will be lost on children- and perhaps even older viewers; my companion last night is twenty-five and she reported no fuzzy, warm, nostalgic feelings either. There’s a chance- a chance- that this could have been a good film were it not so generalist- desperate to please everyone (except women) and ultimately pleasing no one.
I haven’t yet mentioned Peter Dinklage, who features as the adult ‘Fire Blaster’: a hardcore, badass gamer felon with an accent somewhere between Mexican and Carribean who is great fun to watch. However, it speaks volumes about the film that both my companion and I felt uneasy about his being part of it: we were both waiting for the inevitable little person joke which thankfully never came. That this- the fact that the writers had the opportunity to make several off colour and politically incorrect jokes and didn’t- that this can be described as one of the positives of the film is pretty much all you need to know.
Actually, there is one other thing you need to know and it is this: booze helps. If you have to see PIXELS, for goodness’ sake have a drink first. Or during. Or both. And then another couple afterwards. Take a good friend and then get so tanked that you don’t have to remember it. Game over indeed.
Verdict
